Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies: Part 3 – The Ghaat Resurrected

Yes, folks. We’re back! After the slight diversion, we return to our Ghaati roots with this, the third part of the Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies series. So let’s get right to it, shall we?

Karzzzz

You might remember we covered part of this masterpiece in the first sequel. I have since realized that trying to lay out the dumbassity of this movie scene by scene is a true exercise in futility. Instead, let’s try and dwell on the characters, because the storyline is so full of shit anyways, it’s pretty much immune to any amount I can dish out against it.

The members of one of the worst ensemble casts to ever have shared screen space include:

• Rockstar Monty played by Himess Bhai. But we’ve covered him already.
  

• Also covered, include Rockstar Monty’s 65 year old stepdad, played by Raj Babbar, who practices jumping down floors in royal palaces during his free time.
  

• … And his translife love, Kamini, played by Urmila Matondkar. It should be noted, that the name is pronounced Kaa-Mi-Ni and not Ka-Mee-Ni, even though the latter more accurately describes her character. That is a moot point though, as she is only referred to as ‘Princess’ throughout the length of the movie. That’s right. Princess! I can think of at least two of my friends’ pets named that. And that’s just off the top of my head. However, more shocking than the choice of nomenclature is its origin. Apparently, in Kenya (Yes, that’s where the story is set), all you have to do to earn that title is inherit a wine estate from the man you killed off. So now you know why Vijay Mallya is called the ‘King’ of Good Times.
  

• The most “What the Fuck Just Happened There” moments are, however, reserved exclusively for Gulshan Grover’s character “Sir Judah”. At this moment, I would like to stress on the fact that I am not making any of this up. Sir Judah was apparently supposed to be based on Sir Stephen Hawking. Only, while Sir Stephen Hawking is one of most gifted intellectual minds on our planet today, Sir Judah is a frikkin douchebag.  

I mean, the frilled sleeves scream out Austin Powers more than impaired genius. And there’s nothing even wrong with the guy, by the way. He can walk, he can see, he can hear. About the only thing wrong with him is the fact that he’s a mute. Something he compensates for by communicating through a casio type attachment on his arm. That’s right; he plays musical notes which are then decoded into humanspeak by his two henchmen.

Love Story 2050

Intended Genre: Sci-Fi Romance

Actual Genre: Films That’ll Make You Kill Yourselves Just So That You Don’t Have To Face The ‘Future’ Depicted Therein

The story sucks balls on so many different levels, it’s worse than a game of Ms. Pacman (You know, because the game involved eating balls and had like 256 levels). A Hrithik Roshan-Emraan Hashmi cross-hybrid, with an impossibly fake accent, falls for a chick. Chick dies. For no fathomable reason, other than the fact that the chick once mentions fleetingly that she wants to visit the year 2050, the hybrid decides that that’s where he’ll find her. Because it’s so hard to argue with logic like that, I’ll move on to the post-interval half. Enter the hybrid’s professor uncle whose pet project is, very conveniently, a time machine. The guy makes the trip, finds the chick, fights off some customary future goons, and brings the future Mrs. Hybrid back to Present Standard Time.

The future depicted here is, evidently, in awful need of good songwriters. Because the chick has been reincarnated as, wonder of wonders, The Biggest Popstar In The Entire World. What is her record breaking hit single, you ask? It’s a song whose chorus goes,

“Hey you, loverboy!

Will you be my toy?”

 Yes. A chartbusting number, indeed.  

You’d think that, being the future and all, our hero’d have a cool sidekick. And he does, if you consider a pink teddy bear called ‘Boo’ a cool sidekick. But again, like ‘Karzzzz’, the most unintentionally hilarious part of the entire fiasco is the villain, Dr. Hoshi, played, once again, by Gulshan Grover.

Hmm, a villain with a Japanese name, Count Dracula’s cape, a mask not unlike the one worn by Cobra Commander from the G.I. Joe series and the powers of Dragonball Z. A lethal combination in 2050, I’m sure. In 2009, however…….. *Shaking Head in Disappointment and Disapproval*

Ta Ra Rum Pum

Intended Genre: Nuclear Family Drama Set Against a NASCAR Background

Actual Genre: A Lesson In Bad Parenting During Recessionary Times

Having to look at Rani's Thunder Thighs in skirts that get shorter with each song should be reason enough to turn you off this one. I can give you a lot more, if you so please, though. 

The story involves Saif as a stock car driver who goes from underdog to America's ace racer, all the while romancing this Bengali chick who he refers to exclusively as *Shudder* 'Shona'. Shona's dad, however, is disapproving of the budding relationship as he thinks racing is not a steady source of income*. 

*It should be noted that the NASCAR driver who finished last in the 2007 season earned a grand total of $7 Million post taxes.

Anyways, the two kids elope, Shona quits her studies, has two kids and settles down comfortably while Saif gets into an accident on the tracks and loses any semblance of form and confidence that he ever had. Fired from the team, we realize that America's best racer is broke. With no reasonable explanations given on where all the money went, we can only speculate that savings are a concept hopelessly lost on NRI racers. Either that, or Shona's been a very naughty lil' girl. 

The family auctions their home and moves into a shady neighbourhood. At least that's what they tell us. The producers even make sure that the entire block is occupied exclusively by African Americans and Hispanics, just so we get the point. 

Now, I've noticed a sudden spate in the taking of quizzes over on Facebook, so here's a quick one for ya.

Q - You're an NRI family living in The States. You inexplicably go broke. You have two kids to support. What do you do?

a) Move back to India, where the cost of living is significantly lesser.

b) Suck it up, let go of your ego for the sake of your kids and approach your wife's dad for a job or something.

c) Take up a job with the pit crew of a racing team. You were the best racer in the country 4 months ago. God knows managers will be falling all over themselves to recruit you.

d) Move to a bronx neighbourhood, take up a job as a cab driver and then tell your kids it's because you're part of a Reality TV show so as to "shield and protect" them. 

Yep, if you trust the presence of this movie on this list, you can be sure that the dumbasses chose Option D. In what was my ultimate Laugh-Out-Loud moment while researching this loveliness, the following is a quote from the movie's Wikipedia Page.

"The plot of this film can be compared with that of Will Ferrell's Tallageda Nights."

For those not in the know, Tallageda Nights is a spoofy comedy along the lines of "Dumb & Dumber" and is anything but the family drama Ta Ra Rum Pum hopes to be.

Taarzan: The Wonder Car

Intended Genre: Fun Action Adventure with Reincarnation Angle

Actual Genre: Knight Rider Meets Karzzzz

Taarzan's movie poster is one of the single most "Are You Frikkin Kiddin Me!?" Pieces of Movie Art to ever have made it past the conceptual stage. I take that back, actually. The art work is alright. It's that one line which reads "It will drive you crazy" that truly blows you away with its unbelievable accuracy. 

Sample this. Ajay Devgan is a scientist/mechanic who is working on a top secret futuristic car called "DC" that blows the hell outta anything from Love Story 2050. He also has a shitty car given to him by his dad called "Taarzan". Ajay is killed soon into the movie by other evil scientists after the designs. Years later, we meet his son, also a mechanic, who runs into Taarzan in a scrapyard. He buys the piece of junk and spends time restoring and upgrading it into something out of Speed Racer. 

Pretty acceptable fare so far, huh? Not for long, as Ajay Devgan's spirit somehow manages to find its way into the car and starts taking 'Badlaa' on the wrongdoers. Yessir! The dad is reincarnated as the car! 

The funniest bit of research trivia, again from its Wikipedia Page, would have to go to the fact that the movie was actually made as a prelude to the launching of the Taarzan car into mass production. However, "Due to huge failure of the movie at the box office, the car was never launched." 

Moral of the Story: The Ol' Reincarnation Angle may not be the best marketing strategy when it comes to supercars.  

Suryavanshi

Intended Genre: Fantasy Reincarnation Horror Drama

Actual Genre: "I'm Sorry. Wha!?"

Suryavanshi is one of those amazing movies that you really have to see to believe. It's funny that after three instalments of this series, more than half the movies covered have involved some form of rebirth. This is no different. 

The story involves Salman going to an archaelogical dig of a palace where, in a previous life he was a prince, his friend was a character based on the Norse God, Thor (Wikipedia's words, not mine) and Amrita Singh was a princess. The princess has a wooing contest involving gladiators, man-eating leopards and a cannibal, bred to destroy humans. The Thor wala guy dies. Then, Salman's prince dude comes and defeats the monster. When the princess offers her hand, he turns her down saying that he only wanted to avenge his friend's death. Her father, the king, fights to make him undo that insult. The princess, distraught, jumps off the castle to her death. Distracted, Salman is stabbed by the king. The Queen mother then condems the princess' soul to eternally be trapped within the castle walls. 

Cut to the present, when Salman and girlfriend Sheeba, go into the castle late at night to do the hanky-panky. The princess' spirit catches sight of Salman and is as happy as a spooky, eternally trapped spirit can be. She catches sight of the girlfriend, however, and gets so enraged that she, not unlike most scorned exes, "sends flaming missiles at the two" (Direct quote, again). In the middle of all this "getting back at the bitch who stole ma man" tomfoolery, Salman has an epiphany that he is, in fact, the prince from the prior life. He then "changes form, similar to the transformation of He-Man" (I Swear, I am not making this shit up) and fights her off with an incantation he finds lying around the castle handy.

If you want to know what Pagan Norse-yness is all about, this is as entertaining and as inaccurate an account as you'll ever get. 

Until next time then, dear readers. Adios!