Mad Ads - Airtel Digital TV: The 'Stars Come Home' Contest

The Airtel Digital TV 'Stars Come Home' Contest is pretty straightforward. You sign up for a new connection and get a chance to bring your favourite star home for an afternoon filled with celebrity fun and frolic. Now, I have nothing against the ad here. It checks out pretty decently, really. No! Its presence here is owed to the actual contest it endorses.

It's not exactly the most original concept in the world, 'Bring Your Favourite Celebrity Home', is it? It is, however, one of the most Fuck All. I mean, Dude! Winning this contest is pretty much tantamount to being sentenced to a week's worth of slavery. Think about it. And I mean, really think about it! By some mind-numbing act of God, you win the contest and Kareena's about to drop in. You, now, basically have to extract every resource at your disposal in an effort to prettify your house and make it celebworthy.  Probably get your home repainted... Replace the furniture... Buy a new dining set... & I haven't even gotten to the logistics of fitting her entire entourage in your living room yet.

I mean, it's okay if you're like a die-hard fan, and you're actually a big enough loser to be fine with all the baggage. But, the cost-factor aside, if you're the average 35-50 year old familyman, or about 90% of Airtel Digital TV's target demographic, the pressure of having Kareena Kapoor in your home, quietly judging your life through her fake wedding smile and beady celebrity eyes, is something you just don't wanna sign up for. Even if there is only a 1 in 10,000 chance that you might actually win. Really, man! All I wanted was fuckin Satellite TV... Not Superstar Condemnation!

As we sign off, a quiet word for one Ms. Amrita Arora. The celeb-in-law who features as prominently in the Ad as the rest of them luminaries, but Alas! Doesn't get a mention anywhere in the contest credits. I mean, how sad is that? If you haven't seen the celebrity version of a 'You-Don't-Belong-Here-So-Take-A-Hike-Sistah' Slap in the Face moment... Yeah, that's what it looks like.

Mad Ads: Part 2 - The TeleSucking Network!

We’ve grown up watching them. Airing on channels no one watches, not unlike B4U and Alpha TV Punjabi, and occasionally on half-popular ones post midnight.  You know what I’m talking about. Those hilariously dubbed over infomercials with the American Bikini Models talking about their “Khubsoorat Figure Ka Raaz”. Yep, that’s right. We shall be focusing exclusively on Home Shopping tonight, gentlemen and ladies.

Not the bad dubbing or the unbelievable overnight before and after makeovers they portray, though. Those’ve been spoofed to overkill already. And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t mind a badly produced ad if the product had enough weight on its own. God knows there’re a million awful brands with brilliant ad campaigns to back them. A good case-in-point being Virgin Mobile, whose network coverage is less than Adnan Sami pre-makeover... Oh, or Aishwarya Rai now.

Let’s get into it then. Bad Products, Badder Ads!

Liquid Sense

The Opposite Sex Seducer… Humans or Otherwise!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Liquid%20Sense.asp             

Liquid Sense is apparently a perfume loaded with pheromones that help you attract the opposite sex. The Liquid Sense infomercial is an Ad so amazingly misguided, it’s kinda like that moment where Sunil Shetty and Co. must’ve gone, “Yes, we have read the script and we wanna do Jaani Dushman”. In that, it makes no sense!

The infomercial starts with the customary ‘geek being rejected, applying the product, then getting his groove on with the office hottie’ drill. We then delve into the finer aspects of the product, and that’s where it all goes into bizarrovision. We find out, in Discovery Channel documentary style, about pheromones and how all animal and insect species use them to attract the opposite sex. We are bombarded with trivia about how cats emit them in their pee or some such. Not once, however, do they mention whether the chemical composition of these pheromones is different in each animal species. It is left on an open note for us to assume that these pheromones are universal and, so, if a female cat happens to take a whizz around a horny male dog, we will be witness to something very, very disturbing. The ad also fails to mention if the perfume smells nice or not. But with it being found in cat pee and everything, I guess I don’t blame them for not wanting to talk about the scent.

Anyways, back to the product. Well, it sucks balls, I would assume. I mean, come on! A love potion? That’s like something out of a bad 90’s sitcom. And if Liquid Sense works anything like that, you’ll probably end up with 22 minutes worth of comical situations, mostly involving you attracting the ugliest person you see. Not recommended!

Urine Gone

A Murderer’s Best Friend!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Urine%20Gone.asp

‘Urine Gone’ is the reason why the word “Wotdafuck!” was invented. Alright, I only just made that word up. But when it does eventually find its way into the Oxford Dictionary, you guys can bear witness to the fact that this is why it was first used. Urine Gone, if branded a little more subtly, might’ve actually been a useful product in houses with pets, as it promises to get rid of stains and odors caused by pet pee.

However, the ad, in a matter-of-fact tone highly inappropriate for a product such as this, also mentions how it can get rid of human blood… Which would’ve been acceptable by itself but for the next part which makes matters a lot shadier. See, the package also comes with a black light. A black light, for those of you who don’t watch CSI or any of its million spinoffs, is a tool used by forensic detectives to detect “bodily fluid” stains which are not visible to the naked eye. The mind truly boggles wondering as to what the motivations behind marketing this product and its accessories to the mass public, including potential psycho killers, are... Unless they actually wanted to facilitate blood spatter and DNA-free crime scenes, the mentioning of the invisible blood detection and elimination is something a lotta people might’ve wanted to steer clear of. Not these guys though!

But seriously! “For People Accidents”!? And they say it right on the cover too. Do they really expect the layperson to face situations such as the following?

“Average Joe: Hmm, I peed on the carpet today but I seem to have forgotten where. Good thing I have this black light handy. Thanks to Urine Gone, my house is pee-free!”

Seriously, Wotdafuck!?

 

Disco Fever

Audio CD Collection cum Respect Eliminator!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Disco%20Fever.asp

If you thought the motivations behind marketing the murder toolkit above were questionable, get a load of this grooviness. ‘Disco Fever’ is a 120 song Multi-CD Collection of disco tunes from the 1970’s, digitally remastered for studio perfect sound. All for a price of just Rs. 3999 + Postage and Handling.

4000 bucks for like 7 CDs. Scratch that… 4000 bucks for like 7 CDs with songs from an era where the Bee Gees were still Da Bomb. I just have one question. Umm… Why?

 

Now, if I happen to lead into a product with 2 images such as the ones given above, what would your first thought be? Hearing aid? Feng-Shui Crystals? Astrological Sign Gemstones? WRONG! I would, of course, be talking about a weight loss program!

 

Acu-Slim

“Nyanyanyanyanyanah! We just screwed you… Fatass!”

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Acu%20Slim.asp

The Acu-Slim earrings apparently help you with weight loss. Cue the “Oh Brother!” Rolling Eyes. This is one of those “*Conditions apply” sorta deals, where if you don’t read and listen closely, you’ll be suckered and the product won’t work for ya. Of course, if you do read and listen closely, you probably won’t buy the product to begin with.                                                                                      

Anyways, these magnetic earrings have some accupressurising mumbo-jumbo working for them. Wear these studs and be on your way to a fitter you. Oh, however, and this is the *Conditions Apply part, you have to substitute your diet for a more nutritious one and follow a moderate to heavy exercise program.

 

Real World Equivalents

Girlfriend (to Boyfriend): Of course I’ll be less possessive… if you stop talking to other girls.

Varun Gandhi: I stand by everything that I said in that speech… but the tape was doctored.

All Non-Manchester United Fans: _______ (Arsenal / Chelsea / Liverpool) are the best… even though we haven’t won anything worth a mention in 3 years.

 

 

The Hollywood Purse Hook

The Bhenji’s Bling!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Purse%20Kit.asp

Even though the term ‘Hollywood’ betrays a lot of non-existent glamour, you should know that this product is nothing more than a glorified nail. It’s basically a suction cup with a hook attachment for hanging your purse on. You know, instead of having to put it on the floor… Or God forbid, on the table where you’re going to attach the hook (Which pretty much renders as much space useless as the purse would’ve). That’s enough to null and void this product off the market right there, really. And I haven’t even mentioned the countless inevitable footmarks on your handbag, the loss of legspace and the possibility of seekh-kababing yourself yet.

                                         

Until the next list then folks, it’s over and out!

Mad Ads: Part-1

Coming from an advertising background (a phrase used very loosely seeing as to how I recently quit my job as a Copywriter with an Ad Agency here after all of 10 months), I hardly have any right to make fun of the very career that has provided for me over this period. Having said that, if I can't make fun of the field, I certainly can make fun of the fielders!

The Indian Ad Industry is up there with the best. They've won awards at international fests. They've featured in Ad Magazines abroad. And they've come up with campaigns that've given our generation new catchphrases to quote and overkill to a burnt crisp. But with the sheer volume of commercials airing on TV these days, every so often comes an ad so unique, so distinct and so astonishingly senseless, it kills the buzz created by the good ones faster than you can say, "I'm Lovin It". Here's a tribute to some of them.

Mad Ad#1 : Mistdress - The Spray On BandAid

I'll let you take a moment and reflect on the sheer inappropriateness of the name of that product. Because I'll tell ya, it's pronounced the exact same way it shouldn't be. 

Now, when you make the inexplicable mistake of naming a product 'Mistdress', a product aimed at mothers and kids, I might add, it's hard for an advertiser to sidestep that awkward, indecorous barrier. What you look to do then is be tactful and try and divert attention elsewhere. What you don't do is come up with a product mascot, such as the Spray-On BandAid wielding, sari-clad, superheroine type figure by the name of "Mistdress Mom", that they did.

I tried searching for the video online, but to no avail. You guys have no idea how pained I am that I can't share the sheer brilliance of that Ad with you. The concept is pretty straightforward. Kid gets hurt, Mom walks in with product, kid goes jumping around again. But the genius behind the idea of superheroining her up, complete with a line that goes "Mistdress Mom to the rescue", is one to truly behold.

What really captures my imagination, though, is what other sorta capers Misdress Mom must get herself into:

• A happy marriage to break up? It's Mistdress Mom to the rescue!
• Kids need evil stepmother after tragic death of Genetic Mother? Have no fear, Mistdress Mom is here!

I could go on, but there's other stuff to go over here. 

Mad Ad#2 : Clean & Clear Oil-Control Face Wash

The product, once applied, comes with a promise of oil-free skin for 8 hours. Fair enough, because 8 hours covers your normal 9-5 workday. 'Normal', however, is one term I would not associate with the girl facing the problem in the ad. See, this chick has skin so oily, she can't get a clip-on nose ring to not slip off her nose! Do you realize how lubricated it must've been up there to be able to facilitate a feat like that!? Move over Iraq, the world's biggest oil reserves are within the pores of that chick's nose. 

Why couldn't the admen have gone for the tried and tested white hanky on the forehead, brown hanky off the forehead routine? Did they for one second, stop to realise that maybe it's the clip that has the problem, and not her skin... Her skin which can support makeup and lip-gloss, but not a frikkin clip-on! Umm... Apparently not.

Mad Ad#3 : PCRA Infomercial About Turning Off Your Engines at Traffic Signals

Now I don't really have a problem with the Petroleum Conservation Research Association (PCRA) Ad itself. It's the kid they've used in the ad. Now I can't really describe why I wanna strangle that tyke everytime I see that ad. But have you known that guy in your class who acts like a smartass, but inside, is just a smug dumbass asking to be slapped. You can probably recognize him from his quality of managing just about average marks, but still being a favourite with the teachers. The kid in this ad is that guy, only less smartassy and more dumbassy.

The ad takes place in a car at a traffic signal with the kid sitting beside his father. The kid starts surveying the landscape and we see the engines of all the cars and trucks around him still running, despite it being a red light. In a sudden burst of 'Eureka' type inspiration, the kid proclaims, "Cycle Repair Shop"! The dad, confused, asks the dumbass what he's on about. He replies, with a smug smirk that screams "Slap Me!", that that's what he wants to do for a living... Because by the time he grows up, there'll be no petrol for cars to run on and everyone's gonna be using cycles. The dad has an epiphany and shuts off the engine.

Now, there're a couple of things that struck me here. 

1. If he's so smart, why can't he just open a cycle dealership instead of a lowly repair garage?
   
2. If he's so smart, how come he hasn't heard of that Clean & Clear girl from the ad above, who's storing enough oil in her nose to last us the next gazillion centuries.
   

You see folks? The reason he's going to end up in a "Cycle Repair Shop" is because that's the only thing he'll have the intellect for. Of course, there is the slight possibility that he already knows that and is just using the oil conservation issue as a tool to get his dad to attest to and be proud of his shocking career plans... Which, instead of a dumbass, would make him the evilest and most manipulative child born this side of Damien Thorn from the Omen movies. 

Mad Ad#4 : HDFC Standard Life Insurance

We've all seen the ad. Old couple at home. 

Scene 1 - Old dude asks old chick whether she can still clean around the house so that they can save money on the servant. 

Scene 2 - Asks her whether she can cook. 

Scene 3 - Whether she can wash clothes or some such. 

Old chick asks him to borrow money from their daughter. He throws a fit. Says the only thing he's ever asked for is her hand in marriage. Old chick whips out a nice serving of sarcasm, asks him whether he did that to show her days like these in their old age. Old dude whips out 2 tickets in retaliation and says, "Nahi, Tumhe Singapore Dikhane Ke Liye"

Now, I first discussed the merits of this ad with someone a while back. I have since realized that I may have missed the point the first time around. But I shall still go ahead and pretend that didnt happen because it's more fun this way. =) 

See, from my layperson understanding of things, and the way that last conversation progresses, I can safely assume that the only way the old dude could afford those tickets was by cutting down on the luxuries of their current lifestyle, namely the house-help. So, in effect, what he was asking of his "old maid" can be represented with this slightly altered diagram that some of you may recognize from here.

Jeeyo Peeth Jhukake

Yeah. As much fun as a trip to Singapore with an old dude sounds, I think the old chick got gypped here.

Mad Ad#5 : Unwanted 72 - The Emergency Contraceptive Pill

Save the best for last, right? Well, this ad for a morning-after pill, starring the real-life couple Tanaaz and Bakhtiyar,  deserves that tag as much as any. Again, I couldn't find the video anywhere, so you shall have to do with my vivid descriptions. 

The ad begins with a distraught Tanaaz lying in bed early one morning. We see Bakhtiyar among the furniture and sundries in the background frame. It is implied that they have done the dirty the night before. Clueless as any man is around a woman with a problem, the guy asks what's wrong. In an astonishing twist, we find out it's not the fact that she slept with that loser. It's the fact that she slept with that loser without any protection. Understandable, as you can't blame her for wanting to get that unpleasantness over with in a hurry? 

So they're sitting there screwed, basically, when a godsent ad announces over their television the awesomeness that is "Unwanted 72". She takes the pill and, well.......... 

Now, I'm pro-choice and all for female empowerment and all that jazz. I respect a couple's right to have a baby when they want to and not before. But there's being relieved, and then there's just plain being distasteful. Because after the chick takes her pill, the ad fades into a frame of the guy and the girl doing a little ball dance move. A DANCE MOVE! It's like, "Dudes, if you haven't realized, they just killed a potential human being!" Portraying them doing a jig may not be the most appropriate thing in the world. If it was someone like Mistdress Mom, I would still understand. But a real world couple... dancing... after murder... Sigh, you talk about innocence lost.

I would like to reiterate the fact that the PCRA Informercial is something we should all take seriously. I would like to reiterate more that I find that kid irritating as hell.